Way-Out Wednesday, Holiday Horrors Valentine's Day Edition: Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Welcome to the last Way-Out Wednesday, Holiday Horrors Valentine's Day Edition: Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Emphasis on the crazy.




As promised, I've been spotlighting vintage Valentine's Day cards that are a little off-center. A little wacky. A little psychotic. So for today's finale, I'm showing off not just one, but five of my current favorites! Because all this crazy should be shared.



Vintage Valentine #1:



Alcoholism is super romantic.




Vintage Valentine #2:



I think this is what is called harassment. Oh wait! Sorry, it's called love.




Vintage Valentine #3:



Knowing why you're a loveless, friendless, dateless asshole is the first step.




Vintage Valentine #4:



Raggedy Andy was just asking for it.




Vintage Valentine #5:



Hey, at least he's being honest.

Holiday Horrors, Valentine's Edition: You Give Love A Bad Name

For the next 3 weeks, there's gonna be a twist on our usual Way-Out Wednesday theme! It's called Holiday Horrors: Valentine's Day Edition, where we still show off, run away from, make fun of, get nauseous from, get scared of or just plain old adore a strange and unusual vintage item. Only with a Valentine's Day theme which is, if you ask me, pretty scary enough to begin with. (As is using a 1980's Bon Jovi song in your blog post title.)





Vintage Valentine's Day cards from the 1940's and 50's are one of my most favorite things. Not for their lovely-dovey, sugar sweet "I-can't-live-without-you" sentiment (ptooey) but for their psychotic, obsessive, and deeply disturbing "I-can't-live-without-you" kind of crazy. So to kick off today's theme, I present to you this Vintage 40's Moving Eyes & Tongue Valentine Card, available on Etsy from seller Orbiting Debris:




I had to read the listing before I "got" that the blob with 6 eyes is actually a potato. A potato man, sorry. A potato man who's one obsession-driven step away from installing hidden video cameras in your house, cutting his hair to match yours and boiling your pet bunny. Ain't love grand.

Way-Out Wednesday, Holiday Horrors: We INSIST You Have A Merry Christmas.

Welcome to the last (?) Holiday Horrors edition of Way-Out Wednesday for the year! In case you were wondering, I "question marked" that because I miiight be able to continue Holiday Horrors until New Year's, depending on whether I can find any "New Years-y" vintage horrors. That'll probably be a long shot, but I'll try my darnedest for you guys! (Just don't hold your breath, is all I'm sayin'.)





For our last (?) (there's that infernal question mark again) Holiday Horrors, I though a cheerful vintage album cover would be just great. And I mean cheerful. Painfully cheery. Like, crack-induced happiness.




If there's one thing that bugs the bejesus outta me, it's people who insist their happiness upon you. With song. And sometimes jazz hands. But this kind of happiness is usually always for show, because you just know they're getting all Bing Crosby on their families behind the scenes. Is it just me, or does it seem like their names should be, like, Carol and Bob? Or maybe that's just what their stage names are. Something nice and stupid. But look at their faces! Who knew singing would be so orgasmic? Had I known that, I'd have spread some damn Christmas spirit long ago. On second thought, singing carols in public makes me the exact opposite of cheerful. "Murderous rampage" some might say. I'll save the drug-addled singing to the pros. Take it away, Carol and Bob! No really. Take it away.

Happiest People Alive, Carol and Bob, can be heard on this Vintage "Favorite Christmas Carols" album, currently available on Etsy from seller Johnny Vintage.

Way-Out Wednesday: Holiday Horrors: Santa's Little (No) Helper

Welcome to a holly, jolly Way-Out Wednesday, Holiday Horrors edition! (FYI: There is no holly. And the "jolly"? Well, that's debatable. Doubtful, even. You've been warned.)




Clowns are universally grotesque, no question. Scary, creepy and altogether not amusing. But elves on the other hand? They're adorable! Charming! Santa's little helpers! Happy little imps, they are. Or, you know, when they're not.





At first, you're all: "Aww, what a cute little Vintage Homemade Elf Doll! I want one!" But then upon closer viewing, you'll get a feeling of despair. Like that time you got a little too friendly with the Peppermint Schnapps at the office party and did the "Elaine" dance, only you weren't quirky and ironic, just drunk and slaggy. There's just something so...what's the word...uber depressing about this guy.



Not evil. Not exactly a creep either. But he sure as hell ain't jolly! Just...wrong. Off. Fakakta. Maybe it's the carrot-like nose. Maybe it's the mis-matched ears. Maybe it's the "Liza with a "Z" makeup. Or maybe it's the pictures?




Ahh. There we have it.

Way-Out Wednesday: Holiday Horrors

It's time for this week's Way-Out Wednesday, Holiday Horrors style.




If there's one thing I love it's strange old photographs. But if there's one thing I love even more is strange old photographs with creepy-ass Santas, supremely pissed-off kids and of course, taxidermy. So imagine the bliss! joy! rapture! when I came across this freaking gem of someone's family history:





Everything about this Vintage Creepy Santa, Reindeer and Spoiled Brat Photograph is pure win. But I mean, damn. Newly Paroled Santa, is that a a deer in your pocket? Because you certainly aren't happy to see us. (Did you catch that vague and furthermore lame attempt at pervy humor? You're most welcome for that wee dose of holiday blasphemy and bad taste.)

Way-Out Wednesday: Holiday Horrors.

Welcome to a special Way-Out Wednesday: the Holiday Horrors edition!



I rolled out this theme last year for the month of December and it was such a hit with you lovelies that I thought why not rock it again this year? (Also: that sounded all highfalutin of me, the way I just said that.)

A quick 'splainin: To those unfamiliar, Holiday Horrors takes all the same elements of Way-Out Wednesday (ie: creepy-ass, fug or just plain ol' crazytown) but with vintage Christmas/Hanukkah/whateverthehellelseholiday items. So let's get it on! (Also: not in that way. Pervs.)






It is said there is a certain, underground videotape out there of Santa doing certain, questionable things with Rudolph. It is also said that if you watch this videotape, you will get a phone call from Santa, singing you a very drunken and almost unintelligible version of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", after which, he hangs up and sends one of his elf minions to crawl out of a well, hunt you down, and force you to slam eggnog shots until you get to the point where you think going streaking is an awesome idea, the sight of which makes Mrs. Clause cry at which point you pass out, until the next morning when you wake to the sound of you mom screaming at you and how you ruined Christmas, finding you naked under the Christmas tree, sucking on last night's candy cane and reeking reeking of gingerbread and, for some reason, reindeer.

Vintage Creepy Elf Figurine is currently available on Etsy (as well as at the bottom of a well, just waiting for you to watch that stag home movie of Santa's) from seller Eido.

Way-Out Wednesday: Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

First, let me half ass-edly apologise for skipping yesterday's Atomic Tuesday. I was having a torrid and tempestuous love affair with my accountant for a couple hours and writing a blog after all that hot and heavy action is not possible. Well, OK, it's partly true. I was at my accountant's office yesterday. Gettin' my taxes on. Yeah, not so exciting anymore, is it? And when I got home, I was beat. Game over. I was spent, like yesterday's nickel for a shoeshine and pastrami on rye with a deli barrel pickle on the side. Or whatever. Make up your own damn film noir similes.

Next week we'll be back to our regular themes. Unless my accountant calls me back in for more ... number crunching. Ooh-la-freaking-la.

But there IS today! Yes, today I will make it all up to you on this fine Way-Out Wednesday, my little cherub bottoms, with another Holiday Horror: Valentine's Day edition.






Behold, the most romantic and charming Vintage Valentine's Day Card you could possibly bestow upon your love muffin:






If you have to fake a suicide attempt in order to get your object of affection to agree to a date with you, you're doing it wrong. Unless you happen to like psychotic, bat-crazy nutjobs, then it's your lucky day!